Where’s Whoopsie #16: Build Me Up, Butterball

“For pounds up to nine,” Peapod’s flat fee’s pretty fine
But they lied, they substituted and then (Ba-dah-dah)
Showed up from the store, a turkey fed many times more
It’s not them, will I let us down in brine? (Hey, hey, hey)

Maybe, baby, try to find (Hey, hey, hey)
Dethaw time and I’ll make us happy (Hey, hey, hey)
I’ll be home, I’ll be beside the stove waiting on food
Ooh, ooh

Why do you build me up (Build me up)
Butterball, baby
Just to give me dread? (Give me dread)
And mess with my head?
And then, worst of all (Worst of all)
The bully calls, baby
“You can’t keep us fed” (Keep us fed)
But it’s quite misled
I trust us (I trust us)
And the Internet darling
On prep, I will soon make a start
So build me up (Build me up)
Butterball, don’t break my heart

It’s true, we’re just two, but we could eat for many days more
If you’d just turn out right (Ba-dah-dah)
Although you’re quite rare, I am willing to dare just to gorge
Oh, let me feed us so! (Hey, hey, hey)

Maybe, baby, try to find (Hey, hey, hey)
Cooking time and I’ll make us happy (Hey, hey, hey)
I’ll be home, I’ll be beside the stove waiting to chew
Ooh, ooh

Why do you build me up (Build me up)
Butterball, baby
Just to lay breast down? (Lay breast down)
On plates all round
And then, worst of all (Worst of all)
The sides and all, baby
Why can’t you be alone (be alone)?
But I’ll make them too
I’ll eat you (I’ll eat you)
And everything, darling
Of all, I’ll eat more than my part
If you build me up (Build me up)
Butterball, don’t break my heart

I-I-I want you on Thanksgiving Day, baby
That’s why you were put in our cart
So build me up (Build me up)
Butterball, don’t break my heart

If the song didn’t already make it clear, we ordered groceries over the weekend. We have no special plans for Thanksgiving, but Peapod was running a bit of a turkey hustle wherein we could pay a flat fee for a turkey of somewhere between eight and eighteen pounds, based on availability on our delivery date. Given the price we paid, we expected we were most likely to receive a fresh ten-pound turkey, which, according to the Internet, would feed up to six people. The price was fair for a fresh ten-pound turkey, and we figured we could nosh on the leftovers throughout the weekend by making some turkey pot pies and maybe a turkey soup.

When you gamble with the gobble, though, sometimes you come out winning a really big turkey dinner. When our turkey showed up it was – you guessed it – the eighteen-pounder! Irony magnet superpower, go.

Now, in principle, this is great. We can make more things with the leftovers, freeze them, and we possibly even already have one nice “holiday” meal mostly prepped if we do it right for before we go away for Christmas. We’re cheating with our annual international trip a bit as, amazingly, my Partner has never been to Canada. I’ve been, but only for conferences. We’re going to drive up there, see the Canadian side of Niagara Falls, check out nature and food in general, and attempt to learn to ski as “international travel” we can actually afford after three months without a salary. My Partner has been bugging me to go see Niagara Falls since we moved to the Northeast, and this seems a time to do so given the limited time I have off having also spent all my vacation.

I’ve also regularly bought whole stewing chickens, Cornish game hens, and even smallish bone-in turkey breasts and made them. I’m experienced at making stock from the bones, brine for small birds and all that good stuff. The gambled gobbler was frozen, but, fortunately, I knew enough to immediately check the Internet for how far in advance to set it to defrost to ensure it was ready on time. Thus, our first potential failure point in preparing our Turkmonsterstan has even already been successfully cleared!

In practice, though, there is something intimidating about the same cooking process I have completed many times with chickens being done with a bird that could fracture a toe if I dropped it on myself. (This is not an idle fear. I do have Ehlers-Danlos, after all. Dropping things is pretty common for me!) There is also something intimidating about the fact that people believe cooking giant turkeys is hard, though it seems like it should just be the same process as for a smaller bird repeated for many more hours in the oven. Whenever something is generally believed to be hard and I’m about to cook it for the first time, the bully-in-my-brain usually pops over for a bit to play sass chef and roast me a bit alongside the food.

So, all in all, I’m about to find out if “they” are right about how hard cooking Thanksgiving dinner really is. I will do a quick brine today for optimum dysautonomia-friendly – but also “normal people like my Partner” friendly – salty goodness and then cook it tomorrow. I will also prep some sides today that can go in the oven at the same time as the bird at the same temperature.

Effectively, I’m making my first “true” Thanksgiving dinner this year, and it is one that could hypothetically feed 12. It just happens to be for only two people – and one soon-to-be-very-happy trauma kitty. Wish me luck!

Oh, and have a few Thanksgiving-themed Where’s Whoopsies for good measure. (Also, remind me to bookmark a few more turkey leftover recipes. I don’t think two recipes is quite going to cut it anymore.)

Need a recap of anything I’m talking about in any post? Check out the Glossary of Terms.


4 thoughts on “Where’s Whoopsie #16: Build Me Up, Butterball

  1. I’m wondering how that turkey baked up? Hopefully it was a smashing success. Although I have to agree, it’s just a bigger bird to cook. Our oven went out about a week or two before Thanksgiving…yep, that really did happen. And with my SO going on a 3 week international vacation I didn’t want to deal with landlords, handymen myself so my son and I grilled ours! I have to say, it was the best turkey I’ve ever had. My son is a great cook though, and he did NOT get that from anywhere near me. Hopefully you found lots of recipes with the word turkey in them and your enjoying the dishes as you go. Oh and enjoy Canada! I’m wondering if the maid of the mist runs in December? I did it, about 20 years ago, and it was rather memorable. But I know that area can freeze over some. And thank you for sharing your art work, the colors are very soothing.


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