Brevity is the Soul of Apathetically #6: Blame Canada!

Specifically, blame one particular Canadian, Ashley from Mental Health @ Home, for this.

She wrote a lovely post about how we might expect the pandemic to change our lives.

And, I tried to comment thoughtfully on the spirit of the topic. I really did, I swear!

Except that our President melted down even more than usual yesterday and declared that his “authority is total” over individual states. Except that California’s Governor Newsom officially announced the Western States Pact. Except that New York’s Governor Cuomo failed to give his equivalent East Coast proto-nation an equally ominous-sounding name, but he did at least warn that overruling states on when to reopen would result in a “constitutional crisis like you haven’t seen in decades.”

Except that my first thought about all of this was, “If Canada would just build us some highspeed rail through their provinces, the coasts could probably manage Balkanization without too much more hassle than covid-19 is already causing us.”

Except that immediately following that, my second thought was, “At that point, though, shouldn’t Canada just annex us all and be done with it?”

At that point, the likelihood that I was capable of leaving any comment other than, “I hope quarantine changes my life in that instead of me having to figure out how to get myself to a new country post-November, I find that the new country of New JersMaPennsRicut has conveniently figured out how to get itself going around me!”

That was the end of it. All further attempts at thoughtful discourse were done. And, like the good American that I still am (for now?), I certainly didn’t blame myself for its abrupt conclusion. I blamed the other guy! And, I got yet another song line stuck in my head that, yet again, writing out in full did not help…

Sing this to the tune of South Park’s “Blame Canada!”

Time’s have changed

Covid is getting worse

“Social distance has no merit”

Trump keeps farting out that verse!

Must we remain one government?

Red State society?

Or with the Western States can we just leave?

No? 

Blame Canada! Blame Canada!

Why don’t they realize we’re a prize?!

California alone’s economy-sized!

Blame Canada! Blame Canada!

Our federal system’s ‘bout to halt?

It’s Canada’s fault!

Don’t blame the Northeast for that madman!

Save us from that buffoon!

New JersMaPennsRicut doesn’t want to join the Klan! 

Our President is a dunce

Has caused this whole damn fissure to erupt

And now live on TV he tells us he wants to King himself!

Well, Blame Canada! Blame Canada!

It seems that everything’s gone wrong

‘Cause Canada won’t let us all belong!

Blame Canada! Blame Canada!

Why can’t we be part of their country anyway?!

We’re joining up to proctor coastal ‘Pacts’ which upon review

Instead could be the germ for at least one secession or two!  

If they won’t up and snatch us?

Least build us trains across their taiga?

So the East can trade cross coastal with West Siders?

Heck no!

Blame Canada! Blame Canada!

Why can’t we have some healthcare, too!?

Secession we’ll ditch to annexation pursue! 

Blame Canada! Shame on Canada!

For…King Ass gives the shaft! 

New union must craft!

The heart of the matter’s 

Our POTUS’s undone!

So quarantine remains: Midwest must chuck!

Let us become one in name with you, Canucks!

Need a recap of anything I’m talking about in any post? Check out my Glossary of Terms.

7 thoughts on “Brevity is the Soul of Apathetically #6: Blame Canada!

  1. I asked my partner the other day why we cannot just become West America here on the west coast. I mean geographically speaking that would make for a rather large East America, but still. I watched the governor today address Trump’s pontificating. He implied very diplomatically that CA will always act in the best interest of CA. I appreciate that but push come to shove (4 more horrific years) I’d be thrilled to become a Canadian.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. My Partner has declared that our new nation should more properly be pronounced as “New Jerk Rim Cut Away.” His version has the advantages of being easy to pronounce, not forgetting Delaware exists (which I inadvertently did), and laying out our mission statement right in its name! Who are we? The jerks on the rim of America. What do we want? To cut away from everyone else…

    Liked by 2 people

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